Fybromyalgia
One day, in October 2000 after finishing a day at college R F D C (Royal Forest of Dean College) in Coleford - I suddenly felt a pain in my right shin. Horrible, dull throbbing pain. I thought that it was the cold damp weather mixed with having to stand around waiting for the bus. When I got home I took some pain relief and thought nothing of it. After weeks I realised that the pain was not going to go away but there were days when it seemed to have disappeared. It still hurts now.
I managed to do things. Just took more fizzy co-codamol and carried on … eh what! British stiff-upper lip an all that. Well, I went to Germany for a week and finished my secretarial course, NVQ passed - and taught myself German. Writing in my spare time and other religious activities - ignoring it.
Suddenly, a year later, the right arm pulsed and moved. Like the muscle was complaining. It happened whilst I was sitting down at my religious meeting. The pain was incredible. Hardening the muscle. The next day I went to the doctor. Had x-rays. Told it was nothing, had it put in the sling and yet more co-codamol. At the end of the weekend the muscle suddenly relaxed and the pain went away.
So, again I did not think anything of it. In the year 2002 I embarked on a basic computer course where I learnt basic graphic design (something I would have loved to have gone further in) - Meanwhile the pain in my arm came and went - come and gone; and all variations thereof. I went for scans. Blood tests, (of which it was discovered I had a thyroid condition - Underactive).
As time progressed the pain got worse. Seemed to be more frequent. Hurt more each time. Then after two years or so of the pain beginning in my leg I had the first of many panic attacks. Mind you it was sort of induced as the Doctor tried me on Prozac. The first of three times when each time led me to more panic attacks and uneasy feelings - thankfully now it is on my notes that Anti-depressants are not to be prescribed to me.
Slowly developing a fear of outdoors: commonly known as agoraphobia - something that I have to quell every time I go outside (at one time it was so bad I would not even step out into my back garden!) I can go out now but I have to be with someone I trust - and it takes me awhile to develop a strong friendship with people, tending to prefer to hide behind a nom-de-plume. An internet identity. If I do go outside I have to take a pair of crutches - AND sometimes, use a wheelchair, to keep me balanced and help me feel safe. Especially as I live in a hilly area. Having a dog does help to some extent. Without Amy-Jill I would not have gone out nearly so much in the past year.
My regular prescription involves paracetomol and tramadol. I take four to eight of each daily. There is not a single day when I am not in some degree of pain. Typing this hurts - standing up hurts. Sometimes I am in so much pain I have to use a walking stick to get to the toilet and struggle to open a tin of baked beans with the electric tin-opener. Other times I can’t put the kettle on for a cup of soothing tea. On really bad days I am bed-ridden. Particularly at certain times of month.
I was diagnosed in 2004. After a week of tests including a lumber puncture (ouch!) Countless times I had my reflexes tested. Blood drawn out of me. Xrays. I hated the reflex tests I can tell you.
I find it difficult sleeping though I prefer to wait until my eyes droop - even if it as late as 2am in the morning. I take sleeping tablets every night to help me sleep. I am careful with those as they can become addictive. Only if I have been over excited or had a very busy day I do take two then, though generally, it's only one.
It is a daily struggle. Some day’s more than others. Hitler once had the nerve to complain about his troubles in his enormously inflated ‘biography’ (which I tried to read with an open mind...)
Thankfully I have had the strong support of a fabulous mum (who has undergone two hip operations and needs a third!) a lovely dad and a wonderful big brother. With extra encouragement from big sister, little brother and little brother’s wife, many friends but more importantly my God and his son whom he gave to all of us.
I am just waiting for the day for Jesus to say to me: Daughter, your faith has made you well. The time when all sickness, pain and tears will all go away. Yes, I believe that I and many others shall live in an eternal paradise on Earth and never be sick again. That may seem strange to some but it is what keeps me going.
That is a brief history of my condition. I am on incapacity benefits (though for how much longer I have no idea - as the government are cutting down and I have a condition that splits those in the medical profession right down the middle! The name has been changed to ESA.) - Still find crowds difficult preferring to talk to only two or three people. By 3pm in the afternoon I need to go back to bed and rest or nap no matter what I have done throughout the morning. I could work from home with hours to my suiting still. I definitely would not be able to go to work as I find it difficult to go to and sit through my religious meetings and they are only twice a week. I try to make the morning ones. Oh and recently I have developed Roseacea.
As for a love life … I would like one but I would not want to put my angst on someone. I have also given up the hope of being a mother. Still. I do have a plan. I am not a scrounger. I want to work. I would like to be a Beautician. And I am trying to save up for Driving Lessons. But it is going to be a slow process. Maybe if I have something to focus on I will get better. I never had ambition before. Now I do.
This is still only a pipe dream. But at least it is a dream. Meanwhile I keep myself occupied by writing a novel and twitter. Learning to knit. I have found out that I love baking bread. And enjoy jigsaw puzzles. The best way for me to keep carrying on is to try and keep my mind active even if, at times, my body gives up!
I hope you liked what you read and hope that others are helped through this.
Driving lessons did not help, and have got so bad now that even the little ambition I had a few years ago has become more of a faded vision in the clouds.
Thank you for reading!
And The Story Goes On...
Today
Sthlurred Sthpeech
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